Hurt people hurt people. Why we react unkindly when we're suffering and disregulated.

As a projector I can see when others are out of alignment with their truth, unhappy somewhere in their lives and why they're behaving in certain ways. I can see where their pain and suffering is coming from and where healing needs to happen.

When we're living in the higher frequencies of human nature we have access to states that are calm, connected, trusting, and joyful. We're able to pause, be present and respond with kindness and compassion. We have the ability to set purposeful goals, to get in touch with what lights us up and have the drive to go after it.

But when we aren't operating from this place, when life feels hard, full of challenge and suffering, our nervous system baseline becomes one of stress and we find ourselves stuck in survival mode, living in the lower shadow frequencies of our human nature. We lose the power to pause, to respond, to choose, instead reacting often harming others as well as ourselves.

But the behaviours we exhibit when we are living in these lower states don't mean we are "bad" or intentionally trying to hurt others.

Our natural instinct is to want to feel safe. This dates back to times when being accepted by a tribe or not was the difference between life and death and being physically safe. We needed to be of value to be accepted, to prove our worth.

When we're stressed and disregulated, our shadow patterns show up to help us feel accepted. Even though it's unusual that we are in a life and death situation, we'll still do whatever we can to feel safe and part of the tribe.

We defend, belittle, control and criticise to bring others down and boost ourselves up. We gossip about others, judge their choices, try to be right, to know more, to be the smart one, the calm one, to have done more, have more or be further ahead in life because we think this means we are worthy.

*newsflash: we are inherently worthy without doing a thing.

Now, think about other people’s behaviours, actions, and words. When they’ve said something hurtful, put you down, judged you or someone you know, are always trying to be right, show how much they have or how far along they are - imagine that they were just trying to feel safe from a place of suffering and fear.

It sounds selfish, and it is, but it’s our natural instinct to look out for ourselves in the pursuit of survival. Self-interest is often the underlying intention behind these reactions, which doesn’t make the actions any more acceptable, but it can help us better understand and accept each other and the unintegrated shadows that are driving us.

Ayn Rand’s philosophy of Objectivism revolves around the idea that selfishness isn’t a flaw but a virtue. She believed that living in rational self-interest is the highest moral purpose, and that prioritising your own well-being leads to true happiness and progress. According to Rand, altruism and self-sacrifice only hold people back—both individually and as a society.

"The achievement of his own happiness is man's highest moral purpose." — Ayn Rand (from The Virtue of Selfishness)

With awareness and a shift in perspective, we can transform how we experience each interaction and moment.

When someone’s words or actions leave you feeling hurt, judged, ignored or attacked, it can be incredibly empowering to have compassion for that person by understanding that it really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and their current state and capacity.

They are likely in emotional pain and living from a place where their nervous system will do anything it can to make them feel safe. Until they start to build awareness around their behaviours and reactions and take steps to move their baseline to a more regulated place, they will likely continue to operate on autopilot - unable to control their emotional responses.

Just as important is turning that same lens of compassion inward. Reflecting on your own behaviours and emotional responses can open the doors to uncovering your shadows and the gifts hiding within each one. As you realise these behaviours have been a mask to keep you safe you can access new levels of compassion. You can build acceptance and self-love for all the parts that make up the unique human that you are.

Then you get to choose your responses rather than living a life controlled by your emotions and your pain. You get to choose how you want to live and how you want to respond to the world and those around you.

Please note that I am not qualified to offer any sort of psychological advice on individual circumstances. Everything I share comes from my own personal experiences, unique perspectives, and ongoing training in mental health and personal growth, as well as from my work as a Gene Keys Guide. My intention is to inspire reflection and self-discovery. I highly encourage you to seek professional support if you are struggling and to find alternative perspectives if you feel it’s needed for your unique journey.